I thought you would be grateful
For the pieces of my heart I had managed to give
But I am realizing it was the greatest blessing in disguise
That you refused to settle for scraps.
In keeping with this post's topic of vulnerability, I am going to start by making an honest and transparent statement: I feel like a hypocrite writing this post. In no way has the area of emotional vulnerability been one of victory or strength in my life. It is by far my weakest character trait. So why write this blog entry? Because I refuse to lose hope that I can flourish as an emotionally expressive and resilient person. I turn 30 next year, and I have come to the conclusion that if I want the next decade of my life to look different then I have to be willing to be different. To tear down, brick by brick, every wall of false protection I have erected around my heart in the name of being emotionally strong.
I remember being a child and hearing the phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”...it’s interesting how the most innocent of phrases from our childhood can become lies we’ve woven into our identity as adults. I do think this pattern of emotional withholding started when I was young. I can remember moments of frustration or fear growing up and my response being to shove it all down and put on a brave face. Traveling into my adult years it became a coping mechanism to avoid feelings that felt too big or overwhelming. If you don’t feel it, you don’t have to fully face it.
The ironic part of this struggle is that I am a huge feeler. I feel my emotions and the emotions of others quite deeply, yet find that I am consistently perceived as an emotionally reserved person. The longer someone knows me the better they become at reading me, understanding my responses, and gauging where I am at emotionally. Yet, even those closest to me have expressed difficulties and even frustrations at times at the lack of emotional expression of what is truly in my heart and mind. In my process of exploring the reasons behind the patterns of my emotional withholding, I have come to some conclusions, or revelations if you would. Keep in mind, this is all very much still a work in progress for me.
The first is this, that it is possible to be truthful without actually being vulnerable. I didn't realize how much of a common default this had become for me. To discuss the situations or struggles in my life as black and white assuming my feelings about the matter were obvious or understood. I can answer you very matter of fact without giving you heart space or access. I can present a situation without communicating the emotions that are attached. But knowing facts or details is not a substitute for transparency of feelings and emotions. Telling someone what has happened and telling them how it made me feel are two very different conversations.
I have also come to realize that proximity does not replace intentionality. I think sometimes we can take for granted that just because we see people often that proximity offers an explanation for what they mean to us and our level of commitment to the relationship. Because I have historically struggled in expressing myself with words (yes the irony of starting a blog is not lost on me) I’ve relied on my actions to communicate what was in my heart. But I have learned that people need to hear it for themselves, from your mouth. Actions do matter, but it is the merging of your actions with your words that give those closest to you a complete picture of what is in your heart.
Another self imposed barrier to emotional vulnerability I have taken on is the idea that I have to be strong for those around me. That if I share my emotions it will cause additional weight or pain on them. I thought that my strength was a comfort and resource, but I have come to realize that it actually creates distance between myself and my closest relationships. My projected image of strength created a false perception of wholeness and only ended up pushing away those I wanted to keep close. I am learning that, when shared with the right people, there is a mutual burden bearing that happens. It doesn't add to their pain, but rather reminds them that they are not alone in suffering.
So what is it that keeps us stuck in our hard hearted shells? Maybe it’s the trauma of times where you’ve opened up and trusted but your heart was not protected and cherished like it should have been. Maybe it’s a fear that if people really see you they won’t want you. Maybe you have the desire to open up and share your heart but you feel you lack the tools or the understanding on how to begin. I have related to all of these at some point in my journey. I am far from having all the answers but what I can tell you is this, my greatest moments of freedom have come when I stopped trying to do it all in my own strength. So many moments of shutting down my emotions was because I was trying to process, feel, and express all in my own strength and capacity which always failed me. Inviting the Holy Spirit as my helper into each day to take every weight that feels like it will overwhelm me has freed me to express and feel in a way that did not seem possible before.
The last line of the poem that correlates with this post is this "you refused to settle for scraps". If I had to leave you with one piece of advice it would be this: Surround yourself with people who refuse to be left with only the scraps of your heart. Put yourself in a position where your closest relationships challenge the hardest and most insecure parts of yourself to be brought to the light and healed. People who will ask the tough questions but stay long enough for you to formulate the answers. I would also encourage you not to give up on yourself even when you fail, because you will. You will think you got it right when you could not have been more wrong. You will get emotionally overwhelmed and shut down. We are all human and it will happen to the best of us, just don't stop showing up for yourself. Emotions and the ability to express and feel them are beautiful gifts. It's a language the whole world has in common. I am learning that emotional vulnerability is the building block for deep relationships. I am still finding my blocks, putting them into place to build, but I hope each of us can still find the courage each day to put our hearts on the line for the potential of something really beautiful and whole.
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